Life at 26

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It’s not the quarterlife crisis. It is the perpetual feeling of dissatisfaction. I’m dissatisfied with my job, the partner I don’t have because I’m scared of commitment, the job I dream of but I can’t get because I’m scared of being rejected, and my life.

You feel inadequate and lost (and single), while everybody else is doing better than you. Or so you think. They’re moving on, updating their relationship status, enjoying the summer fun with the girl who came after you, getting the paycheck they never thought they could have, and worst, doing the job you always desired.

I wish my eyes had one of those Instagram filters to transform the look of my life. I want to restart my brain and forget about what life was supposed to be. I want to put make up on and cry and then laugh at my drama skills (Done. See pictures above). I want to laugh at everybody who tried to define me.

True. I’ve been exaggerating my feelings of confusion and anxiety for the past three years (Damn! I graduated 3 years ago and I still haven’t figured out my life?!), but today I woke up feeling a little bit more overwhelmed by these feelings than usual. There was something different. This time there was a new feeling involved: self-pity.

“Bloody hell,” I thought (there goes my identity crisis [Mexicans don’t say that]). I’ve not only become a “victim” of societal pressures, but I’ve also feel incompetent for being unable to satisfy people’s expectations (even though the majority of people are selfish and they don’t give a fuck about what I do with my own life). I’ve been crying like a freaking baby for a love I don’t even want anymore, but it’s better than feeling that my life’s love department is empty (even though I met someone new who lives 3,406 kilometers away and can’t stop thinking of him). I’ve been complaining that I will never be a published writer when I haven’t even written any of my stories yet (even though I write news stories every day).

You try, and try, and try, and then you realize that a tiny detail can change things. Then, you realize, that this is not a crisis. This is the daily struggle of defining yourself in a world that keeps categorizing people/ of creating a life in a world that has no space left for different ways of lives/ of finding a lover in a world where love is a necessity rather than a blessing/ of finding a job in a world where dreams and passions are advertisable but never feasible.

It is then when you understand that there will be many more nights in which you will feel defeated, but this time you will have something new with you: Yourself.