“UNEDITED” : Intro (2)

To all...One of the few things I’ve learnt in many of my writing courses is the famous literary rule “show, don’t tell.” First, I’ve never understood how to do that. Maybe that’s why I’m not a fiction writer. Second, I just want to tell you my story. Hopefully, by telling you my story, I’ll show you my world. I have to confess, however, that I don’t even know which story I’m telling. Just cope with me, please.

I don’t even know why I’m actually doing this. It feels as if I were running out of options, as if this was the last thing I could do to regain power over my life. I also feel a little ‘bipolar’: bleeding while I write this, smiling while hanging out in the world. Yet, I honestly think this is what I had to do a long time ago.

I’ve been scared. Yes, I said it. Of writing. Of facing myself. Of exposing myself, my mind, my deepest feelings, my sickest thoughts. But now I know that all the anecdotes I’ll be sharing, do not define me. They are just a tiny particle of the myriads of particles that make me real. This is just another challenge. I’m just trying to be human.

Sometimes I think that I’ve a fixation with challenges because I need dramatic episodes to interrupt my perfect life so I can be able to write (I kind of need to feel pain to write). I consider this a fallacy for many reasons, however. The main one is that I’ve never felt that my life is perfect. In fact, I think that I suffer from a disorder that impedes me seeing the good things in my life and within me. Also, I discovered my passion for writing just a few years ago and I’ve had dramatic episodes way before that. Although, I must say, these episodes have increased in their intensity and time of occurrence since I started writing on a more daily basis.

Another origin of such fixation I could think of is the divorce of my parents. I don’t really want to talk about it because once you discover my flaws you might attribute them to this chapter of my life. Also, I don’t want to justify my mistakes in love with that childhood experience. Growing up with my mom and sister, however, and seeing my mom become a ‘super woman’ made me want to become a strong woman (whatever that means). I guess that to become strong you need challenges to overcome.

Anyway, I don’t even know why I’m writing a second intro. Maybe I’m just postponing the inevitable. Maybe.